All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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