woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
