I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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