Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
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During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
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Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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