1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
