i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
