Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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