just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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