Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
