Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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