Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
