I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
