So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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