Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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