hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I need to stop coming to work sober
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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