I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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