So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
