So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
