I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
