You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
