You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
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theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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