how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
