Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
