you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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