but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
