after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
