Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
