community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
