happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
