My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
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Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
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Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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