If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
