I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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