idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
