The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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