When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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