Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
