No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
