whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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