i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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