You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
