I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
