mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize