Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
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complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
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There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.