apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.