note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
