capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
