he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
