Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
