That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
