I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
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I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
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She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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