why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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