im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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