I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
