I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
