I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
