i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
