i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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