we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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